V: Darwinism Meets Speed Dating

I think I finally cracked the code of our species. That is if you'll assume that the most important aspect of all species on Earth is their mating rituals and all of the heartache and folly that comes along with just trying to procreate. Other animals have had a lot more time living than human beings. They're like high school seniors and we're freshmen, tucking in our polo shirts, getting lost going to class, braces and all.

If survival of the fittest is also to be understood as real and relevant, then you can see why there are so many problems between males and females in our species. Let's pretend for a moment I am a seagull. Every year I fly to one beach with all my other seagull bros to meet some babes. We fist fight until we get the best spot on the beach so we can impregnate as many females as possible. Our male goal is to impregnate lots of girls and be more fit than all the males so the girls will like us.

The female goal is different. Each mating season they look for only one male. One male who is the best, strongest, biggest, and brightest of all the seagulls. His genes are the most likely to produce healthy offspring that are are big, bright, and beautiful as his feathered ass. But they can only nurse one baby at a time so once they get nailed they fly off to feed.

Here's our problem. Doesn't work like that anymore. If it did, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, Prince and the likes of legends would be the only people reproducing. We'd have all of our healthy females carrying either Gates, Jordans, or Princes. Because everyone else's genes suck next to the hit factory, the basket factory, and the money factory.

And because it doesn't work like that, we men aren't allowed to hump whoever we want to in order to pass on our seed. No, we cannot knock up one girl and then move on to find another female capable of holding our amazing seed. We have to win the affection of females through trickery and optical illusions and we're lucky to get one. And if they actually like us!? Forget it, you're done. If you give a rats ass about a female and she gives a rats ass about you you won't get any ass if you're trying to get other as while she's at work, you dig?

Turns out that the fittest surviving all these years has made things a little weird huh?